“I just found out my boyfriend (or husband, lover, etc.) is submissive. I really love him and I want to make things work. I just don’t “get it” – what am I supposed to do?”
This question becomes more and more common on these boards and other discussion groups and I get it a lot via email (and from friends in real life who know that I am “considerably kinky”). The answers and advice people give are so broad – some people like to give lists of kinky things to do, others recommend books and resources (who has time to read an entire book to answer a simple question? You don’t need/want a degree in “female domination” anyway) and others tell you, “Oh, it can’t be done. You either are dominant or you aren’t – you can’t fake it.”
I think the biggest problem is that the advice people give is overwhelming, especially when they offer up suggestions for games to play, toys to buy, outfits to wear, or “scenes” to “enact.” Talk about complicating a simple matter! I have a few strong opinions on the entire concept of female domination (for nervous beginners) and it comes down to a few simple guidelines and a very simple starting point to be off and running. In my opinion:
1) First things first. Your man has to back off and agree he will completely let you, the woman, take control of the pace, timing, and evolution of your femdom side. No more hinting, no more buying you toys or outfits, no more pointing you to web sites or stories, no more “helpful advice.” To be empowered, you need to do this for one person: You. So if he can agree to drop it and let you figure it out, and not pressure you, you have made it past step one. Sadly, this is the most important step and the one that most couples cannot get past – the guy simply cannot drop it long enough to give the lady a little room to find her legs.
2) Forget everything you have read or heard about “female domination.” You probably have a preconceived idea of what “femdom is” – and I can bet it ain’t pretty! The stereotypical “dominatrix” with a whip and a bad sneer. The guy in the gimp outfit crawling around or barking like a dog. The pushiness that your husband/lover resorted to and nagged you with. The bad “Jerry Springer” episodes, “My husband fell in love with his dominatrix!” Magazine covers like “Bitches with Whips.” Or the impossible-to-duplicate gorgeous, tall, blonde beauty with a cool demeanor and such sex appeal you know you could never pull THAT off. Forget it all – erase it from your mind. It’s all BULLSHIT!
3) Accept and really BELIEVE this one very important truth about female domination: If your man really wants to submit to you (and he is not just a fetishist; trust me, he will know the difference if he has done his homework and he can be honest with you), you only have ONE thing to accomplish and do right. Just ONE thing! All the rest is gravy, and all the rest will fall into place for you once you accomplish this one thing. That one thing is this: Enjoy yourself and own your pleasure. That’s IT. It sounds easier than it is, because it requires that two things happen – #1 and #2 above – you have to have a man who doesn’t put expectations on you, and you have to give up those preconceived ideas about what female domination is. Those both are harder than you may think. When you start feeling uncertain, icky, uncomfortable, or resistant to the idea of dominating your man, it’s because #1 is messing with your self confidence by putting expectations on you, or #2 you are putting expectations on yourself (both related to the above, as you can see).
4) Take control. Play. Frolic. Delight in his reactions and soak them in. This is the only “action” step in that it requires you to “do” something to your man. But instead of giving a laundry list, instead of pointing you to books or “how to tie your man up” or “buy these toys” or “pretend you are a person you are not” I will say simply – take control, frolic, and delight in his reactions. Snap your fingers and say “Kiss me here. No, right HERE.” and when he does it, smile. Adopt a sense of unpredictability – the mystery and uncertainty will play tricks with his mind and put him in that place that he needs to be. He wants to be submissive; trust me, he will GO there, with just the slightest NUDGE from you. So many women are trying to use a jackhammer to accomplish a task that requires a flick of her fingers. Look him in the eyes, give him a command (that is directly related to your pleasure) and watch him follow through. Tell him to give you an orgasm. Direct his position during lovemaking. Pull his hair playfully, give him a swat on the butt and smile mischievously; do all the little, minor things that come more natural and with ease, and just watch how he reacts. Marvel in how you can push his buttons just by adopting a more selfish, and self serving, self-pleasing demeanor.
Once you complete 1 – 4 on this list, you have the foundation for what will evolve into a comfortable, enjoyable, passionate femdom relationship – so long as you are free from pressure to perform and given the chance to experiment and grow. The dynamic only requires a few things to grow – it requires a stress-free environment for you to thrive in, it requires that you ENJOY the premise of playful selfishness and control, and it requires that you are free from distractions that are usually related to stereotypes and expectations, both which can be eliminated if you are in a pressure-free relationship.
Of course, this is all my opinion; however, in my experience giving advice and helping friends, it seems the stumbling blocks are always the same. Him being “shot out of a cannon” with regards to wanting/needing his desires met (by no fault of his own, quite often, it’s just what happens when you have pent up dreams and fantasies for so long) and her feeling pressured, uncomfortable, nervous, and a little disgusted/put off by the “idea” of what “female domination” is. By starting at square one, I think *most* women can find something exciting, erotic, and playful about being in control — but most importantly, they get a charge out of seeing how their man reacts. I speak about this as a woman who was “born” with the desire to dominate a man; it’s never been about the acts, the toys or the scenarios — it’s *always* about seeing the reactions in a man I lust for. You cannot deny the rush that comes from seeing what a little button pushing will do. I think this even rings true for “Susie Homemaker” or the most vanilla woman on the block. And if she’s willing to at least read this message board, she’s got an open enough mind to learn to enjoy it.
(c) Courtesy of Akasha